Do You Feel Like a Detective? you sometimes have the urge to look at his texts, or worse, actually do it?

Do you ever drive by a place you suspect he might be, but shouldn’t?

Do you have an urge to check up on him, ever?

Then you’re with the wrong guy.

If you have to play detective, then that means you don’t trust him. In my book, you can’t love someone you don’t trust. Trust and respect are essential for love to blossom. If you don’t trust him, then no way do you respect him.

Prior to my divorce, I was sure my husband was having an affair. Partly because he’d been asking for me to agree to an open marriage. After 29 years, I just couldn’t accept that. What was hardest was how stressful it was to always be wondering where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing.

So at the very least, the stress isn’t worth it. And if he’s causing you that kind of stress, he’s not worth it either.

On the other hand…

If he’s done nothing to cause you to mistrust him, then the problem lies with you. If you have what some call, ‘trust issues,’ then you should not be in a relationship until you get that resolved.

Bottom line? There can be no detectives in a healthy relationship.

Jet the joy in,

Kara Oh, Author

If There’s a Winner, There Has To Be a Loser

UnhappyCouple250In preparation for my son’s wedding in Kauai one month from now, I’ve upped my 30 minute daily walks to an hour. Yes, I’m vain and want to lose some weight. But I think you’ll understand why it’s important when I explain.

My ex-husband and his wife will be there as well. We’re all going to be living in the same house and that means bathing suit time…that is if I want to enjoy the water. We’re all friends, but I want to look as good as I can. Just because…

There’s a point to all this, I promise.

So yesterday, there was a couple walking behind me. They were arguing about her owing him $5 for being wrong on how many blocks to where they had to turn off of State Street. Then she said, in a snippy tone of voice, “Well, you owe me $5 from yesterday.” Then they proceeded to argue. But not a fun, teasing kind of argument. They were getting upset with each other.

I really, really wanted to say, “If one of you is going to win this stupid argument, then that means the other is going to lose. And how is that going to help you be a happy, loving, bonded couple?”

Instead, I kept my mouth shut, like a good little girl.

But think about it, how often have you gotten into an argument over something that is only about needing / wanting to be right? It’s really a dumb thing to do. Unless, of course, that is your ultimate goal. If–and I hope this is true–your goal is to have an amazing relationship that makes your heart sing, then stop with the silly arguments.

Arguing is never going to resolve a situation, whether it’s on a stupid or serious topic. Never.

You should always end a conversation–meaning you actually communicated like two loving adults–if your intention is to continually improve your relationship. (Arguing is not a conversation, and certainly not communicating.)

A good relationship means you both feel like winners.

Got it? Good.

Now go make some love,

Kara Oh, Author

What’s the Real Point of Valentine’s Day you’ve been with me a while, you probably know I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Mostly, because the marketing causes so many expectations…that lead to disappointment most of the time.

If you don’t have someone in your life, then there’s the disappointment of feeling left out of all the hoopla.

If you have a new man in your life, you don’t know each other well enough to know what to expect, so you make up what you hope his romantic gesture will be.

If you’re in a well-established relationship, you might have concrete ideas of what you’d like him to do. If he falls short of your expectations, you’ll be disappointed, and he’ll be in trouble.

He’s scared because he wants to get it right, or he’s resentful because he doesn’t want to have to deal with it.

There’s a lot of pressure and guilt built into it for the guy. So it’s not that fun for him. Yes, some men love doing the over-the-top romantic things, but most don’t. And why is the pressure all on him? What if he was expecting something from you and had a fit if you messed up? (Hint: Marketing)

Here’s something to think about though. Where do those expectations come from? Why do you want him to do whatever it is you hope he will?

Is it something from the fairytale stories you read as a child? Is it all the advertisements in magazines and TV that has you hoping he’ll do the grand gesture?

And what do you think it will say about how he feels?

So now, one final question: What does Valentine’s Day have to do with love? Really.

Does it make your love stronger? Does it make it deeper? Does it help you build a solid future?

So here’s my advice, which I offer every year.

If you want something specific, but you want to be surprised, then give him three options.

Men don’t like to get it wrong. They don’t like to have to guess. And they hate that you expect them to ‘just know.’ As you have probably noticed, they’re also horrible at picking up on your hints.

So don’t set him up to fail. Set him up to win. Then you’ll both be happy.

And don’t make a big deal about a card. If he doesn’t give you one, let it go. If he gives you something generic, so what. If it’s mushy, but not the sentiment you wanted, don’t give him a hard time.

All the hurt feelings, anger, guilt, and disappointment that can go along with Valentine’s Day is not going to build love and strengthen your relationship.

One of the most useful lessons to learn is the art of detachment. All emotional pain comes from attachment. When you’re attached to an outcome, attached to how someone should behave, attached to the grand gesture, you are setting yourself up for heartache.

Yes, you could have the fairy tale Valentine’s Day. And will even that make your love stronger?

Sure, it will feel good. But it’s the daily interaction, the open and honest communication, the caring gestures, the compassion, the fun, and the lovemaking that cause a relationship to flower. Not the occasional Hallmark Holiday that comes with all the marketing hype designed to make you want something superficial.

Let go of the expectations, let your heart be open to whatever shows up and focus on building love, rather than ripping it apart.

And if you’re alone this year, get your girlfriends together and just have fun.

Blessings on your journey,

Kara Oh, Author

Can You Hear Your Heart Song?

HeartSongFearYour Heart Song holds all that you are and wish to be. Your heart is a conduit for all the best that life can offer, but only when it is in your highest and best good.

It’s not about that snazzy red convertible you want. It’s about living a life that lifts you up and inspires you to share your love, compassion, and joy. It’s about awakening and honoring your creativity. It’s about finding inner peace.

Allow yourself time in nature, time alone, time with no distractions from TV, your phone, or the internet. When you quiet yourself and simply be, your Heart Song will begin to be heard. It’s there, waiting for you to discover the truth of who you are.

You are a beautiful spirit, a gift to everyone with whom you interact, a model of what love looks like. Let your Heart Song guide you…it knows the way.

Wishing you blessings on your journey,

Kara Oh, Author

Be True To Yourself

Art Swan floating on the water at sunrise of the dayHow often have you done something you knew at the time you’d regret? Maybe you didn’t think of it that way, but in your gut, or the back of your mind, you had doubts.

When you ignore those little voices, the red flags, or your loved ones concerns, you are ignoring your own best interests. That is not how you stay true to yourself, that his how you dishonor yourself.

It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to have bad judgment. But if you continue to repeat the same mistakes, continue to make bad choices, you are showing the world (and yourself) that you don’t matter.

When you make a mistake, learn from it so you don’t make that mistake again. If you make a bad choice, learn from it so you make a smarter choice next time. Be true to yourself. Love yourself by not mistreating yourself.

How do you know if you’re being true to yourself? You’ll know because you’ll feel good about who you are, and you’ll be proud that you are being true to the glorious woman you are.

Be true to yourself. Show the world you matter. Join my Inner Circle and discover how wonderful it feels to fall in love with the magnificent woman you are…

Blessings on your journey,

Kara Oh, Author