What To Do When Your Feelings Get Hurt

needy-womenYesterday I heard two little kids fighting, one yelling at the other, “You hurt my feelings.” Little kids are still learning how to negotiate life. So it’s reasonable that they would blame someone else for how they feel. But for us adults, it’s important that we understand that we are completely in charge of how we respond to what others do and say to us.

So no one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you angry. No one can make you cry (unless they use physical force.) Each of us is responsible for how we react and respond to others. Part of that responsibility is how to communicate with your husband or boyfriend when they cross the line and treat you with a lack of love or respect.

Sometimes, if you don’t speak up, he doesn’t know that what he did or said upset you. So first, it’s important to communicate what’s going on. But if you blame or accuse, then communication won’t occur. Communication only happens when the person you’re speaking to understands what you’re saying. If they are defensive, they’re focused on protecting themselves, and coming up with something to say back. This is commonly referred to as a fight.

So how do you handle this kind of communication? First, let him know how what he said made you feel. Let him know you take responsibility for how you reacted, but that what he said didn’t feel good. It’s possible that he didn’t know you felt that way. Be sure you don’t blame or accuse, but ask him how this might be handled in the future. Together, come up with a loving, playful, or humorous way of letting him know he did or said something that didn’t feel good.

Real love can only happen when you both keep your hearts open to each other. Clear and loving communication will take you a long way toward making sure love grows, instead of drying up.

No Room In Your Heart

PeopleOfTheWorldEverything I do, everything I say, everything I write is about bringing more love into the world.

Except for those times when I fall into a pity pot. We all have those moments, don’t we?

If you have read any of my other posts, you know I’m all about love and happiness.

But today, I want to talk about hate. (see video below — it is truly profound)

Is there any hate in your heart? I mean any. Take a look in there. I’ll wait.

Did you find some?

Well, let me tell you something about hate. That little (or big) pocket of hate that’s sitting inside you, it’s killing you.

How, you may ask.

It does so in a variety of ways.

One way is that it festers, like a virus, and has the power to make you sick, very sick, like cancer sick.

Every tiny sliver of hate that you hold within you destroys 100 times that amount of love that you might otherwise enjoy.

Yes, of course, I’m making up that number. But only to make a point. And I don’t think I’m that far off.

Think about it, if you hate your parent, or your ex, or that girlfriend who trampled on your feelings, or an entire group of people (who, by the way, you don’t know) that hate takes up space in your heart. But worse than that, it radiates out into every aspect of your life.

You’re probably not aware of it, but it’s doing it’s nasty work without you having to do a thing.

Just sits there and festers.

That hate will keep you from giving your whole heart to love.

Love for your family, your friends, your lover, and especially, your self.

It also keeps you from loving the planet, loving humankind, loving all life forms.

I beg you, for your own good and the good of the world, let go of the hate. It serves no one and only damages you.

Watch this video and see how built-in hatred transforms these people. It’s like watching real magic happen, and it’s beautiful.

Next, pass this video on to everyone you know, because letting go of hate has the power to transform the world.

Which One Are You?

She Tells Her Grandma That She’s Just Been Cheated On So Grandma Tells Her To Do This

Grandmother talking to grandmother

Grandmother talking to grown granddaughter

This is a good lesson for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her, and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and put each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second eggs, and in the last ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She then put the carrots, eggs, and coffee in separate bowls.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, “What does it mean, grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they had been in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee beans? The ground coffee beans changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying, and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling, and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be like the COFFEE.

Share this with your friends and family today.

Source: upmoments.com via: socialeverythings.com

Have You Ever Longed For An Adventure?

SanMiguel2I mentioned in an earlier post that I was thinking of moving to Costa Rica. Well, I just got back from there, and I’ve decided it’s not for me.

Yes, it was beautiful in the rain forest. Yes, the people were lovely.


There are two ways to see a place. One is through vacation eyes. I’ve been blessed to travel the world and always fall in love with each, but always through vacation eyes.

On my trip to Costa Rica, I was looking through do-I-want-to-live-here eyes.

But I still want that adventure. Here’s what I’m now looking for:

1) I want to learn Spanish fluently.

I studied Spanish at least thirty years ago. I took lessons once a week with two other women. Our teacher was a lovely young man from Barcelona, Spain. I even named my cat after him: Santiago (Santi for short.) I also spent two weeks in Cuernavaca, Mexico, where I went to Spanish school and lived with a Mexican family.

I was surprised and pleased how well my Spanish came back. Yes, I’ve been studying lately to prepare for my trip, but words bubbled up that I hadn’t thought of in years. So I’m pretty confident I will become fluent; just not sure how long that will take.

2) I want to experience living in a foreign country.

When I left my husband after being married twenty-nine years, I went to Maui. I didn’t like it there, so I went on to the place I knew I loved, Bali. I’d phoned my Balinese friend whom I knew was managing a hotel. I asked if he could give me a special price. He said he’d allow me to live in the hotel for free, in exchange for training his entire hotel staff how to interact with Westerners so they could upgrade their image.

I loved living there, but I was still in a hotel. I knew I needed to have my own place to feel like I was making a home for myself. Now I’m going to do that.

3) I want to get more for my money.

I’ve lived in Santa Barbara for forty-eight years. When I was married, my homes were big and beautiful. Since I’ve been on my own, not so much. I’m not complaining because I love living on my own.

But where I live is extremely important to me. I need certain things to feel like I’m ‘home.’ Like a little private area outdoors, with beautiful plants. And a dining room so I can have dinner parties. (I love to cook for friends and family.) And a kitchen big enough to do that.

Where I’ve selected will allow me, for the same rent, to go from a one-bedroom, one-bath apartment with no outdoor area I can call my own, to a beautiful three-bedroom home with gorgeous outdoor spaces. Plus, the dining room and big kitchen I miss so much.

4) I want to create a community of like-minded friends.

Santa Barbara is a difficult place to meet people. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that away. You’d think that after forty-eight years I’d have a huge community of friends.

If you’ve been divorced, you’ve probably discovered that it pretty much scrubs away the friends who weren’t really friends. I call them acquaintances.

Plus, now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve become quite particular with whom I spend my precious time.

One thing I’ve learned in reading up on expat living is that it’s easy to meet people because you’re in the same boat. Adventurous, seeking new friends, going out and enjoying what the new environment offers.

5) I want to focus on my writing and creative projects.

In order to build up my savings for my adventure, I started a new job a few months ago that keeps me away from my computer. I have a burning need to write, and miss having the time to dedicate to my favorite thing to do, other than readin, of course.

What do I want to write?

First, I have a novel I’m working on.

Second, two of my friends have been telling me I should write my memoir. I’m on chapter 3, and looking forward to delving deeper into that project.

Third, I have been working up my notes for a program that will focus on my favorite topic, how to be happy.

And fourth, I want to get my children’s book publishing company moving forward.

Also, I haven’t been able to make any videos since I sold my home with my recording studio, and I miss that. I also want to get my books recorded so they will be available as audio books.

6) I want guests to visit.

This one is easy because I’ll soon have a home with extra bedrooms. Family and friends will always be welcome.

Now the Big Question: Where Am I Going?

It was fascinating to let go of my desire to live in the tropics. I had wondered–now that I’m twenty years older than when I lived in Bali–if the desire for hot and humid environment was still there. It isn’t.

Discovering that I no longer wanted to live in a tropical environment opened new areas of the Spanish-speaking world to me.

I’ve selected a place that intrigues me. Partly because I’ve always wanted to see what it would be like to live in a big city.

Santa Barbara is a small city, with most all of the action on just a few blocks of State Street. Around 90,000 people.

I’m very connected to my family. We enjoy spending time together. We have absolutely no drama, just lots of love and laughter. And my son is having his first child, a boy, the first of December.

That means I need to be living somewhere fairly close.

I’ve decided the perfect spot for me is San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. It’s a quick flight, beautiful city, and will allow me to enjoy a home that will give me all that I have been missing. Here’s the home I hope to rent. But if not this, there will be something else that is equally enticing.

When do I make my big move? July 11th.

Now, back to packing up my apartment so everything I want to keep–which isn’t that much since I’ve been selling or giving a lot away–can go into storage.

I’ve committed to living in San Miguel for four months. Then I will come back to stay with my son, daughter-in-law, and her daughter (my new granddaughter), so I can help out before, during and after the birth, as well as bond with my new grandson.

Then, if I really love living in San Miguel, I’ll head back down. I love that Mexico has 6-month visas, instead of 3 months, like they have in Costa Rica. I’ll visit every six months so I can stay connected to my family and friends, and get to know my new grandson.

How about you? Is there an adventure inside you?

If there is, what’s keeping you from going for it? As far as I know, we only live once. I know if I don’t do this, it will be a deathbed regret. And that’s not okay with me.

A Radically Different Approach To Arguing

happy_couple2There’s no such thing as a perfect match. That means, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.

There are bound to be times when you don’t agree.

And for some, there are bound to be the occasional argument.

What if there was a drastically different approach to getting along…an approach that has the power to infuse your relationship with a brand new kind of love and understanding.

If you’d like your relationship to become ‘smooth sailing,’ you’re in luck.

Let me share a new book that has just been released.

I know the authors personally, and they are the cutest couple. They have come up with an effective new way to approach the little day-to-day issues that often become big, relationship-threatening issues.

The title: How Two Have a Successful Relationship. (No, that’s not a typo)

Here are the bullet points from their Amazon page:

  • How to find mutual solutions to decision making and problem-solving
  • How to remain an individual within the relationship
  • How to break the vicious cycle of anger and recrimination
  • How to avoid the pitfalls that create separation and estrangement
  • How to keep that original loving connection to your partner

I especially like the last one.

You won’t believe how simple their suggestions are, and how easy to make a part of how you interact and communicate.

You both want your needs met, and this book will teach you how to make that happen.

You can order the print version or Kindle version at Amazon.com.

You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your partner, and if you have kids, you most certainly owe it to them.

P.S. You know I don’t make recommendations very often. In my opinion, this book, and what Phil and Maude teach, should be required reading for every couple.

P.P.S. What you will learn will help every one of your relationships, both professional and personal.

Get your copy today: How Two Have a Successful Relationship