A Radically Different Approach To Arguing

happy_couple2There’s no such thing as a perfect match. That means, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.

There are bound to be times when you don’t agree.

And for some, there are bound to be the occasional argument.

What if there was a drastically different approach to getting along…an approach that has the power to infuse your relationship with a brand new kind of love and understanding.

If you’d like your relationship to become ‘smooth sailing,’ you’re in luck.

Let me share a new book that has just been released.

I know the authors personally, and they are the cutest couple. They have come up with an effective new way to approach the little day-to-day issues that often become big, relationship-threatening issues.

The title: How Two Have a Successful Relationship. (No, that’s not a typo)

Here are the bullet points from their Amazon page:

  • How to find mutual solutions to decision making and problem-solving
  • How to remain an individual within the relationship
  • How to break the vicious cycle of anger and recrimination
  • How to avoid the pitfalls that create separation and estrangement
  • How to keep that original loving connection to your partner

I especially like the last one.

You won’t believe how simple their suggestions are, and how easy to make a part of how you interact and communicate.

You both want your needs met, and this book will teach you how to make that happen.

You can order the print version or Kindle version at Amazon.com.

You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your partner, and if you have kids, you most certainly owe it to them.

P.S. You know I don’t make recommendations very often. In my opinion, this book, and what Phil and Maude teach, should be required reading for every couple.

P.P.S. What you will learn will help every one of your relationships, both professional and personal.

Get your copy today: How Two Have a Successful Relationship

 

She Was A Sour Puss

Unhappy Woman

Unhappy Woman With Cloud Over Her Head

As I mentioned a while back, I’m moving to Costa Rica. So storage will be a must.

I was waiting at the UHaul this last Sunday and a woman with the sourest face walked up. At first, I felt bad for her that she’d gotten a bad rap with her gene pool.

I said good morning and told her that the guys were inside and would open at 9:00. She then proceeded to start complaining.

She complained about how they should open earlier, how she didn’t trust the drop-off box for her key, how awful the trucks were, then how rude the people always are.

I told her they were always super friendly to me. She hurrumphed and went silent.

Here’s what I noticed about her:

  1. She had nothing pleasant to say.
  2. She got back from people what she offered to them.
  3. After my experience with her negativity, I understood why her face had permanent scowl wrinkles and her mouth drooped into a frown.

My heart went out to her because, either her family taught her to be angry, bitter, and sour, or her life experiences sent her in that direction. Most likely, it was a combination of both.

But I couldn’t wait to get away from her negative energy. Ewww, shower time!

When I went into the UHaul, I enjoyed my usual super-friendly, playful way of being with people.

They young woman was delightful. I told her about my experience of the UHaul staff compared to the woman outside. I offered a teaching moment by telling her, “You get back what you put out to others.” She agreed.

I assume you know I’m all about enjoying more happiness, and in so doing, more love.

To get that to happen, you have to put out some serious effort. Here’s what I mean:

  1. Be friendly.
  2. Even playful.
  3. Stay positive.
  4. Be compassionate.
  5. Be easy to deal with.
  6. Remember that everyone comes from their own perspective of what’s going on around them. (It’s not just about you.)
  7. If someone is still a sour puss, bless their hearts and get the hell outa there. (Life is too short to allow someone to muddy up your energy.)

The benefit to you is you’ll feel better, see more good (it’s everywhere when you look for it), have more fun, stay healthier, experience more love, and enjoy life a whole lot more.

Is it worth the effort?

I believe it is…

 

Is It Uncool To Care?

Man sitting on sofa with PDAHave you noticed a trend going around that could easily be labeled: I Don’t Give-a-Shit About Anyone But Me. A good example is how people cross the street today. Do they purposefully walk as slow as they can? I feel like people have turned into human sloths.

I scurry because I don’t want to hold up the driver any longer than necessary. I certainly don’t cross the street staring at my iPhone, never once looking up. Maybe they’re so lost in the fascinating info on their phone that they simply don’t realize the car is there.

Along with not caring, they’ve become stupid. Do they not realize a car is a lethal weapon, able to, at the very least, break their legs if they only tap someone with their bumper? Before I step off the curb, I make eye contact with the driver, so I’m certain they know I’m there.

When someone holds the door open for me, I feel like a queen because it happens so seldom.

When it comes to relationships (all kinds, not just romantic) being considerate must be part of the mix or you’ll eventually be in trouble.

Why?

Because it shows you care. People need that, today more than ever. They need to know they matter.

Life is not just about going out, laughing with friends, getting drunk. It’s about being emotionally and spiritually available to experience those precious shared moments.

Doesn’t it feel great when someone ‘gets’ you? That creates a very special and unique bond.

At the beginning of a relationship, you pay attention to the other person. You look for ways to show them you care, and that you understand them.

Then, the newness wears off and, too often, it’s back to, “what’s in it for me?”

Listening, I mean really listening, to someone is an amazing gift of kindness and consideration. You can’t ‘get’ someone if you don’t pay attention to them.

When you look deep into each other’s souls, you feel seen. That deepens the bond you share. That can’t happen if half of your brain is waiting for the next text or Facebook update.

Do people today even know that it feels good to be kind and considerate? Maybe not. Maybe that’s at the core of this trend toward self-absorption.

I love it when I see an article or video about young people reaching out to help others or make the planet a better place. It gives me hope that we’re not doomed.

If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, I highly recommend ‘giving-a-shit’ a try. Go out of your way to be kind and considerate. Look for things that you can do to put a smile on someone’s face.

Go for a heart-to-heart connection and you’ll discover how good it feels. No iPhone can ever give you that.

Is Love In My Future?

DancingWithAmberNote: This post is about romantic love. There are many types of love. I’m blessed to have my family and friends love, as well as the love that comes from knowing I am part of this magical planet and universe. This article is about romantic love.

Now that I’m single again, people automatically talk about my ‘next’ relationship. Funny how it’s assumed that’s gonna happen.

At this stage, I can’t see myself in another relationship.

I feel like I’ve kind of done it all.

I had a very successful 29-year marriage if you don’t count the last 18 months.

But actually, the last 18 months were the best part if I consider my personal growth. Nothing like walking through fire and falling into one shit hole after another to force you to grow. I actually chose to stay in that mess until there was nothing more to learn. The moment I realized I had learned all I could, I left for Maui, then moved on to Bali.

After my divorce, I had the pleasure of ‘getting it on’ with some very delicious and fun younger men. First, while I was living in Maui, then when I moved to Bali. And then some more fun when I got back to Santa Barbara. Having lost my virginity to the man I married, I needed to experience what I’d missed out on. It was all good and helped me discover new things about myself.

Then I married the Dung Beetle. That was my greatest mistake. Every time I think about that time, I always end up asking myself, “What was I thinking?” So far, it’s a big mystery. And this, coming from a girl who is great at digging up the lessons. But at least, I can relate to the women who need advice about choosing someone who isn’t good for them. The best thing was that I got to live in Ojai and meet my special Ojai friends.

Next, I met Chris via Match.com. He’s a lovely man and we’re still friends, but if you don’t include the first date, it was fairly passionless from the get-go. It was enjoyable, with lots of trips around the world, but in the end, I would prefer to be alone than in just an ‘enjoyable’ relationship.

Finally, I met Stephen, who allowed me to live out one of my fantasies, to be with a black man. We had such fun. Lots of laughter, lots of sex, and lots of love. He was the only one who loved me unconditionally. Talk about a man with a big heart. That was great…until it wasn’t. So, I ended that one too.

So what’s my point in sharing all this?

I think mostly, it’s that we shouldn’t feel like we have to be in a relationship to be happy and fulfilled.

It’s important that we learn to enjoy being alone. I mean really enjoy it. Not just tolerate it.

When you’re alone, you can decide what you want.

I can look at each of my relationships, including the ones I just ‘got it on’ with, and see what I was seeking. Some of it was neediness. But mostly, there was something at that stage of my development that I was looking for, except for the Dung Beetle. That one will probably always remain a mystery.

So back to enjoying being alone. In cleaning out my storage, and getting rid of stuff in anticipation of my move to Costa  Rica, I came across this poem. I’ll share it here because I think it fits with this blog post:

I dance,

I dance alone…

For the sheer pleasure

      of dancing,

For the sheer pleasure

      of being alone;

For the feeling of motion,

For being alive,

      celebrating my aliveness.

I’m in wonderment

      at all that I am

     and all that I can be.

I’m one with the universe

      and all that it has ever been.

To dance,

To dance alone…

I wrote that poem after a meditation in a workshop many years ago. It’s haunted me all these years because I felt selfish to enjoy being alone.

Now I get it. I’m finally doing something just for me. I’m moving to a new country where I don’t know a soul. I’ll be alone as much as I want, and when I want to interact with people, which I always enjoy doing, I’ll walk down into the village. I can show up exactly how I want to, with no preconceived ideas about what others expect of me. The thought of that is more freeing than I can express with simple words.

Is there a man in my future? Who knows. At this stage, I’m open to whatever. But I don’t need it.

Note: The image is me dancing not alone, but with my daughter at her birthday party.